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The Diary of a Munky
Random pages from Unkle Munky’s diary… Thurs October 18th 2007 '''It is high time that the government made washing machine manufacturers apply prominent warning stickers to their appliances. After all, if I had been forewarned about the hypnotic effects of their internal drums I might have stood a better chance of getting to work on time! Tue October 16th 2007 I have received an invite from the local neighbourhood watch co-ordinator. Apparently there is a meeting on Thursday night at his house. I cannot help but question his suitability for this position. After all, if everyone is at the aforementioned address, who the fuck is watching the aforementioned neighbourhood!? Fri October 12th 2007 '''A slanderous feature about my groundbreaking counselling column has caused me to cancel my subscription to 'Agony Monthly'. Apparently, according to their editor, I am inept, ignorant and verging on the ridiculous. I am always open to constructive criticism, but having my verginal status publicly ridiculed in a corporate magazine is beyond the pale and no mistake! Tue October 9th 2007 I attended the local library again today. Sadly the girl of my dreams wasn’t on duty. I reluctantly handed my books to her rather stern colleague, a pinstriped cretin who proceeded to inform me that the library was closing early. Apparently they were in the middle of a fire practice. I said that I couldn’t hear any alarms and he just smiled smugly and pointed to the ‘Strictly no noise’ sign. I wonder if screaming quietly is an option when engulfed in flames? Sun October 7th 2007 '''Earlier this week I received a letter from my bank telling me that my account is now overdrawn by one hundred pounds (twenty of which is an admin charge for the letter itself!) This morning I posted five letters of complaint to said bank. I now assume that we are quits as I am also charging twenty quid a letter! Thurs October 4th 2007 An old woman made me pull my hood down as I waited for the bus today. She said that 'hoodies' were a nuisance and that the government should bring back national service. In response to her outburst I requested that she remove her transparent plastic head scarf. Having to contend with the menacing stare of a drenched O.A.P. on an overcrowded bus is not the best way to start the day. Tue October 2nd 2007 '''An inexplicable stain has appeared on my living room floor. It would appear to resemble the late glam rock star, Marc Bolan. My local spiritualist has advised that I treat said stain with glitter as opposed to shake n' vac. Sat September 29th 2007 My window cleaner caught me masturbating over a picture of 80’s pop sensation, Kim Wilde, earlier today. He said that it was nothing to worry about and that he inadvertently interrupts at least three men a week doing the same thing. I had no idea that Ms. Wilde was still so popular? Thurs September 27th 2007 '''I have been to see a doctor about my ingrowing toenail. He says that it can be treated quite easily and that I have nothing to worry about. It's life and death situations like these that make you appreciate the true fragility of existence. I might go train surfing later. Mon September 24th 2007 I spent approximately thirty minutes at a pedestrian crossing this morning. I had no idea that the green man also applied to monkeys? Fri September 21st 2007 '''The ‘Women’s Institute’ have invited me to give a talk about twenty first century counselling techniques. Sadly, however, I have been forced to turn them down on account of my having a willy. Tue September 18th 2007 My space hopper got a puncture this morning. As a result I was propelled way ahead of my intended destination (Munky HQ). Pushing 'the bouncing envelope' is tiring work. It took me almost three hours to trek my way back to the office. Luckily for me, agony was very thin on the ground today. Sun September 16th 2007 'I have taken a shine to a young lady who works at the local library. Due to their strict 'No talking' rules I was forced to ask her out via the gift of note. Tonight I find myself at home, alone, drinking wine and reading a book called 'Fancy a curry?' Perhaps I should have explained that my culinary invite was ''not the title of a book? Thurs September 13th 2007 I accidentally wandered into the ladies lingerie section at Marks and Spencer's today. The pretty assistant must have assumed that I was one of those transsensuals. Reaffirming my masculinity was, needless to say, at the forefront of my mind. Luckily for me, the satin panties that I had in my hand were also available in a pale shade of blue. Mon September 10th 2007 '''My first aid skills were put into practice over the weekend. Things may have turned-out better if the bloke in distress had previously paid more attention to his personal hygiene. Regrettably I lost precious time purchasing mouthwash for his stinky breath. I refuse to give the kiss of life to anyone with halitosis! Fri September 7th 2007 Earlier today I was told that bananas came from plants? I find this most intriguing as I always presumed that they came from Tesco. Wed September 5th 2007 '''I have been looking into the alleged connections between weird dreams and cheese. My investigations have yet to uncover any major anomaly with regards to a troubled slumber. I can only assume that this will change as the Gorgonzola hanging above my bed becomes more pungent. Sat September 1st 2007 One of my geeky friends has invited me to a Star Trek convention. I must admit to being rather disappointed with the travelling arrangements. It seems ridiculous to travel all that way by coach when we could teleport! Wed August 29th 2007 '''I was forcibly ejected from Asda yesterday because of an apparent 'verbal over-reaction' to their shelving policy. I still say that Jaffa Cakes should not be displayed alongside the biscuits. The clue is in the name! They're cakes! Wankers. Mon August 27th 2007 Last night I dreamt that I twisted my testicles whilst falling out of bed. This morning I awoke to find myself spread eagled on the floor. Upon investigation I discovered that I did indeed have a twisted scrotum. Who says dreams don't come true? Fri August 24th 2007 '''I have been experiencing difficulties with a dimmer switch installation. As a result I might be forced to call upon the services of a qualified electrician. I will avoid mentioning my incompetence to the neighbours. It would appear that most of them have recently suffered minor injuries brought about by a fluctuating streetlight anomaly. Tue August 21st 2007 I am meeting my mate’s new girlfriend tonight. My nervousness around the fairer sex is well documented. He says that I am not to worry and that I should just treat her as one of the lads. Convincing him that the lads and myself often play strip poker is not going to be easy. Sat August 18th 2007 '''This morning my nosy neighbour ‘accidentally’ retrieved my personal mail from the communal letterbox! I could have forgiven his curiosity if he’d ‘accidentally’ paid the enclosed electricity bill! Thurs August 16th 2007 The pneumatic height adjustment assembly beneath the seat of my new swivel chair is little short of lethal. Yesterday I spent almost two hours wedged in the office ceiling! I must write a letter of thanks to the emergency services. Mon August 13th 2007 '''I might replace the cleaner’s Hoover with a sweeping brush. Constantly having my tail used as a makeshift pipe cleaner is becoming increasingly tiresome and no mistake! Fri August 10th 2007 I got shampoo in my eyes again this morning. As a result my vision has been impaired for most of the day. The Alberto Balsam helpline operator seemed to take great pleasure in informing me that all future product trials will now be carried out on munkys, as opposed to rabbits. Bastards! Tue August 7th 2007 '''I have been experiencing severe toilet problems again. My doctor says that my blocked U-bend has got nothing to do with him, and that instead of wasting his time I should consider calling on the services of a qualified plumber. I take some comfort from the fact that, as a registered primate, I am exempt from paying national insurance stamps. I would hate to think that my hard-earned bananas were being used to subsidise the wages of that unhelpful cretin! Sat August 4th 2007 My anally retentive neighbour has been gardening again today. There is something quite disturbing about the strict symmetrical layout of his lawns. I spent the afternoon watching his wife sunbathe. I divided my time equally between each breast so as not to offend his parallel principles. Thurs August 2nd 2007 '''I wore my fashionable new contact lenses into work this morning. My temporary assistant, Ms. Motion Sickness, didn't notice them at first. I found her excuse a little hard to swallow and have spent most of the day trying to convince her that my eyes have not always been chequered! Mon July 30th 2007 I attempted to broaden my horizons this morning. To be quite frank, I wish I hadn’t bothered. Reader’s Wives is nowhere near as good as Asian Babes! Fri July 27th 2007 '''My temporary assistant, Ms. Motion Sickness, threatened me with legal action today. She says that from now on I must take my ‘filthy habit’ outside. I got soaked to the fur and think I may have a cold. This new anti smoking law is proving extremely hazardous to my health and no mistake! Tue July 24th 2007 My superman underpants have been stolen from the washing line! My prime suspect is the milkman. The speed at which he currently delivers his dairy produce is surely dubious! Sat July 21st 2007 '''I spent this morning assembling yet another flat-packed wardrobe. Unfortunately I read the instructions back-to-front and, as a result, spent most of the day trapped inside the bloody thing. Wed July 18th 2007 The lucky horseshoe that hangs above the main door of Munky HQ fell on my head this morning. I spent the afternoon charging passers-by twenty pence to rub my lucky bump. I hope to purchase a banana milkshake on the way home. Fate has smiled on me and no mistake. Sat July 14th 2007 '''The batteries in my TV remote control died last night. As a result I inadvertently found myself stuck on a shopping channel. The torch glove, solar powered radio and robot vacuum cleaner should all be arriving within the next seven days. I must purchase fresh batteries before I go overdrawn. Thurs July 12th 2007 The cleaning lady at Munky HQ threatened to throw in her mop today. Apparently she objects to the porn that I have littered about the place. I can only assume that my lustful lesbian titles are not to her taste. My temporary assistant, Ms. Motion Sickness, has somehow persuaded her to stay. I shall scatter alternative porn about the office tomorrow. Perhaps a slice of rampant man meat will help alleviate said disgruntlement? Mon July 9th 2007 '''I went to a ‘Pick your own…’ farm this morning. Perhaps I misunderstood the concept? I assumed that you were only meant to pick the strawberries? I am missing my mobile phone already. I have tried ringing it, but I just keep getting through to the voicemail service. I have left a message asking me to call back. In the future I shall purchase my strawberries from Tesco! Sat July 7th 2007 I caught part of the ‘Live Earth’ event on TV earlier today. Phil Collins single handedly convinced me that things couldn’t possibly get any worse. I spent the rest of the day in my garden. The house is much lighter since felling those pesky oaks! I might have a fire later. Thurs July 5th 2007 '''This new smoking ban is playing havoc with my social life and no mistake. I am now banned from my local pub for inadvertently lighting-up a drinking straw! Tue July 3rd 2007 I have received a letter from the city council about the general unkempt state of the neighbourhood. They say that the prick has to go. I am confused. Are they referring to my handy hedge sculptor or my anally retentive neighbour? Sun July 1st 2007 '''I watched my neighbour cutting his hedge into the shape of a cube today. He was very precise about the whole procedure. It strikes me as odd that something so natural should be trimmed into the shape of something so contrived. As a silent protest, I have trimmed my hedge into the shape of an erect penis. Wed June 27th 2007 I have spent most of this evening attempting to assemble a flat pack wardrobe. My progress has been hampered by the fact that the instructions are written in Japanese. Making sense of the accompanying diagrams has also proven futile as they appear to have been drawn in Scandinavian? Mon June 25th 2007 '''There’s a gorgeous new girl working at the newsagent's next to Munky HQ. I attempted to impress her today by purchasing The Financial Times. My endeavours did not seem to provoke much of a reaction. Tomorrow I shall buy two copies. Thurs June 21st 2007 My assistant, Ms. Bumton, is getting bigger by the day. She seems to have been pregnant for years. Yesterday she wore a bright orange T-shirt that made her look like a space hopper. Thankfully, her doctor has confirmed that my unfortunate actions have not caused any permanent damage. I have apologised for accidentally attempting to ride her home and am confident that we can both put this terrible incident behind us. She wore grey today. Mon June 18th 2007 '''My Austin Allegro is still at the garage. The human oil rag who is dealing with the MOT says that the snakeskin steering wheel cover contravenes an EU regulation. I went to work on my Space Hopper instead. It’s amazing how far those things can go on a tank of air. I’ve only ever filled it once. Sat June 16th 2007 I found a fingernail in my Pot Noodle today. My hast to contact their customer services department was of little consequence as I spent the next forty-five minutes in an automated queue. Such occurrences would normally make my blood boil, but on this occasion my mood was tempered by remixed versions of various Walt Disney classics. The operator finally answered my call half way through ‘You oo oo, I wanna be like you oo oo… ‘ I promptly requested that she put me back on hold. After all, my fingernail query seemed somewhat trivial after learning of the bears traumatic identity crisis. Wed June 13th 2007 '''I went to the opticians today. My assistant, Ms. Bumton, says that my poor eyesight is more than likely related to my incessant wanking. It seems bizarre to me that porno publishers don’t offer alternative, larger print, versions of their magazines. If I squint hard enough I can almost see a gap in the market. Sun June 10th 2007 I found a rather expensive looking identity bracelet this morning. The local police have informed me that the item will be mine if it is not claimed within the next month. I am hopeful that my friends will appreciate the sheer beauty of said item and, in due course, accept that I had little choice but to change my name to Jennifer. Fri June 8th 2007 '''I witnessed my heavily pregnant assistant, Ms. Bumton, playing a ‘Spice girls’ CD to her belly this morning. I fear for the future of that child and no mistake. He or she will most likely emerge as a scary, back-flipping, ginger with a penchant for posh frocks. I have still to determine what a ‘zigazig ah’ is. I suspect, however, that it might be a term used to describe a tobacco-based act of sexual gratification. Disgraceful behaviour! Tue June 5th 2007 I learned today that approximately 70% of the human body is made up of water. I have come to the conclusion that the remaining 30% of my general assistant, Ms. Bumton, is pure sarcasm. An evening on the internet verified my misgivings with regards to her disgraceful remark. Primates are not 70% shit! Fri June 1st 2007 '''I caused mayhem in Tesco today. Yet again I must call into question the authenticity of man’s alleged space explorations. If designing a shopping trolley that is capable of travelling in a straight line is beyond his reach, then I fail to see how he could have designed a space ship that would land him on the fucking moon!? Mon May 28th 2007 I cut my knee open this morning after tripping over a blind man at the train station. He was sitting on the floor with a white stick, a stray dog and a tin of small change. I helped myself to £1.50 for a budget box of Band-aids and a tube of Germolene. My assistant, Ms. Bumton, says that it was disgraceful behaviour. I couldn’t agree more. Tripping up an innocent munky is just downright rude! Thurs May 24th 2007 '''I discovered my general assistant, Ms. Bumton, milking the milkman this morning. It is good to know that the entrepreneurial spirit is alive and well. I had no idea that he supplied his own produce. Mon May 21st 2007 The computer went down again today. I telephoned the helpline and found myself conversing with some bloke in Jamaica. He made up for his technical ineptness by performing his very own version of Bob Marley’s ‘Don’t worry about a thing’. My general assistant, Ms. Bumton, left within minutes of me providing a backing vocal. That woman has no soul… and still no computer. Fri May 18th 2007 '''I found a four leaf clover in the carpark this morning. My general assistant, Ms. Bumton, said that they were meant to be lucky. Had I known this prior to eating it I would have requested to see her tits. Tue May 15th 2007 My doctor has requested another poo sample. My previous effort was apparently corrupted by some kind of air-born virus. I find it hard to believe that the contamination levels of poo can be increased. Ms. Bumton kept a very tight grip on her sandwich box today. I hope she’s not one of those Ikea terrorists. Sat May 12th 2007 '''My Austin Allegro failed it’s MOT test. Apparently there should be four wheels? My general assistant, Ms. Bumton kindly offered me a lift home in her Renault Clit. Had I know that her windscreen wipers weren’t working I would have caught the bloody train. Sitting on a slippery roof for fifty minutes with a squeegee in one hand and a rag in the other is not my idea of commuting! Wed May 9th 2007 I answered my door to some religious nutter this morning. He claimed that the world was going to end on Sunday and that perhaps I should consider repenting my sins before it was too late. He stopped my confession some five hours later and said that he might have miscalculated the date. I wish these people would get their facts straight! Still, at least I’ve reset my sin clock? I might go for a ‘massage’ later. Sun May 6th 2007 '''I fell into one of the chest freezers at Tesco today. I was in there for fifty minutes before someone opened the lid! I can only assume that frozen sprouts are not very popular. Perhaps I should try falling into the ice cream freezer next time? Thurs May 3rd 2007 I purchased a magazine this morning called ‘Asian Babes’. My legal advisor, Ms. Bumton, says that I am a disgrace. I told her that I was merely addressing the ethnic unbalance with regards to my porn collection. After all, I do not want to be labelled a racial. Mon April 30th 2007 '''I swear Ms. Bumton wasn’t wearing a bra today. I may have inadvertently bestowed flawed advice as a result. I just hope that Diane from Cheshire doesn’t get pregnant. I wouldn’t mind, but I can’t even use the same lame excuse that I hear emanating from Emma’s gob every five minutes. After all, I’m not ‘only human’ am I? Sun April 29th 2007 I appear to be using the word ‘assume’ with a frequency that is on a par with that of my soaring wank count. I can only assume that this is normal behaviour for an agony primate. Sat April 28th 2007 '''It would appear that Ms. Bumton has been fighting again. She was late this morning and her hair was a proper mess. I deduced from her smeared lipstick and torn blouse that she had given as good as she got. She later phoned her assailant and made arrangements to meet him for drinks at a local nightclub. I can only assume that they are going to try and settle their differences with some kind of dance-off. He won’t stand a chance! She was in the Spice Girls after all? Fri April 27th 2007 Ms. Bumton caught me drawing her tits today. I told her that it was a graph and that the fluctuating nature of the polar icecap was beginning to alarm me, especially as I really like ice cubes in my coca cola. She called me a knob and took an early lunch break. I can only assume that she believed my story. Whilst she was out I coloured in the tits with her Rimmel London lipstick. Mon April 23rd 2007 '''I had to bollock that Ms. Bumton again today for making me look like a pratt on my own agony column. She said that I was more than capable of making myself look like a pratt without her help. If it wasn’t for her tits I would have sacked her ages ago. My dreams are becoming increasingly bizarre. Last night I dreamt that I was sitting on her lap in a nappy. She says I do stare at her a lot and that I have a tendency to dribble. Sat April 21st 2007 I have taken the plumber’s advice and been to see a doctor. Apparently they need a sample of my poo for analysis. Had I known that Ms. Bumton still used her Spice Girls sandwich container I would not have used it to crap in. She left early after complaining of nausea. Perhaps it’s the pregnancy? Wed April 18th 2007 '''Ms. Bumton’s impending pregnancy is causing her tits to swell. I have been trying hard not to stare. I was forced to work late tonight after inadvertently becoming wedged between my chair and desk. Women have no idea of the problems that their pregnancies can cause. Mon April 16th 2007 My Austin Allegro is having an MOT today. I am worried that it might fail on the grounds of bad taste. I took the liberty of leaving my ‘Bucks Fizz’ greatest hits CD on the passenger seat, I have also sprayed the interior with Old Spice body mist. Hopefully these small hints of my burgeoning sophistication will help alleviate any misgivings that the examiner may have previously held with regards to Austin Allegro owners. It saddens me to think that this kind of racist attitude can still exists in modern Britain. Thurs April 12th 2007 '''The toilet at Munky HQ became blocked again today. Ms. Bumton made some offhand remark about it being like me, full of shit. Sometimes that woman can be quite hurtful. A local plumber eventually fixed it and has recommended that I see a doctor with regards to my monstrous stools. Mon April 9th 2007 With reference to my diary entry of Sun April 1st - The Police will not be making any charges with regards to my public nudity, favouring instead to simply give me a written warning. I am very grateful to them but also a little pissed off about the literature that accompanied the aforementioned warning. I am only too aware of the various dick enhancing methods that are available on the open market! Thurs April 5th 2007 '''Ms. Bumton bollocked me today for drinking out of her cup. She said that she didn’t want it stinking of my stale Munky breath. Later, when she went outside for a fag, I got my own back by peeing in her foot-spa. Sun April 1st 2007 I have spent most of today in a prison cell. I really should have suspected the legitimacy of an ‘all nude’ fun run. My Legal advisor/General assistant, Ms. Bumton, can be very persuasive. I will investigate this April fools phenomenon at my earliest possible convenience. ---- Unkle Munky is also available here... ---- The Latest Fully Updated Page... Unkle Munky in Progress... Return to Munky Menu...